


Bitter Pill

by chaoticdean



Series: SPN season 15 drabbles and codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x03 drabble, Alcool, Alternate Scene, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, dean winchester is stupid, i had a lot of feelings okay, spn 15x03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-06 00:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21217487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticdean/pseuds/chaoticdean
Summary: Coda for SPN 15x03 —What happens after Castiel leaves the boys behind, and Dean's way of coping with all of it.Title is from "Bitter Pill" by Gavin James [x]





	Bitter Pill

**Author's Note:**

> Let's say I had a lot of feelings about this. I hope you like it!  
PS : As always, thanks to my best friend @HardSquare for the ideas and proof-reading ♡

_“I think it’s time for me to move on.”_

The words hit Dean like a knife on skin, while his angel friend made his way to the door quickly walking away from what he used to call a home. By the time the hunter came back to his senses and realized what was happening, Castiel was long gone.

Dean poured himself another drink, stiff. His anger was pumping through his veins, like pouring rain on a storm night. He was angry at Cass, sure. After all, he did blame him for Mary. But most of all, he was angry at himself for thinking they had any kind of choice. Free will had always been a lie, they never stood a chance.

He bottomed up his last drop of whiskey and in a fit of rage, threw his glass against the wall. The familiar tingling in his eyes warned him about the tears that would start falling down on his cheeks in seconds. He was so damn mad. Cas wants to walk away, leave who he considered family behind? That’s fine. God knows he’s damn old enough to take his goddamn decisions for himself. Dean frowned at his choices of word. Oh, the irony. He threw everything that was sitting on the table on the floor, the bottle of scotch smashing on the wooden floor of the bunker.

If Sam had always been measured and quiet, Dean was a powder keg when it came to anger and grief. Always on the verge of exploding somehow, it didn’t matter if it was throwing punches at people or at things.

He closed his eyes, his hands covering his face while slowely falling to the ground against the wall. Cas had been by his side for so many years, he suddenly couldn’t imagine what tomorrow would feel like without the angel fighting alongside him.

***

_“Dean… What the hell happened here?”_

When Dean came back to his senses, his brother was standing in the aftermath of the raging Mayhem he’d created. He pulled himself up, trying to cover the fact that his eyes were sore from crying. He started picking up his mess, avoiding Sam’s look of utter worry.

_“Nothing, uh — let me clean this up.”_

_“Is everything okay?” _Sam insisted. Dean could feel his eyes trying to lock with his, but he knew his brother would instantely get some sense of what was happening if he stared 5 seconds into his eyes.

_“Sam, I’m **FINE**!” _he said, more anger in his voice than he wanted. Sam looked at him in disbelief, his brother still picking up glasses pieces.

_“Okay, hum... Where’s Cas?”_

It hurts. It hurts way much than Dean had expected it at first. What is he supposed to say? _“Cas walked away because I’m a dick and I ruined everything”? “Our friend decided to quit because I was too angry at him to get a grip and speak to him like an adult”?_

_“He left.”_

That’s the truth. He doesn’t need to say more than that at this moment. He doesn’t want to. It hurts.

_“What do you mean **he left**?”_, Sam responsed with the voice he always used when he started to worry — usually followed by his freaked out voice.

_“He left, Sam. We had a fight, he said he didn’t feel like he belonged with us anymore, that it didn’t matter anymore since I don’t trust him, and he left.” _

There was a floating time, Dean poured himself another drink that he bottomed up. After all, he didn’t have anywhere else to go to tonight, might as well get drunk in the process. Alcohol numb the pain, for lack of making it go away. Sam seemed to have a hard time coming to his senses.

_“Why don’t you trust him? He’s our best friend. We need him!” _he finally said, anger in his voice much to Dean’s surprise.

_“Jack killed mom, and it’s his fault. Hell, a lot of the messed up things that happened to us these last few years are his fault.”_

Sam sat on the table in front of his brother, reaching out to the bottle and pouring himself an identical drink. He seemed mad. Crazy mad. Dean could see it in the way he moved.

_“You’re telling me you’re stupid enough to blame Cas for mom’s death? It’s been months, Dean! Jack was a two-year-old kid with the powers of a demi-god, what did you expect Cas to do? Lock him up until he reached his 21st birthday, when his powers were twice the size of Cas’? He did his best!” _Sam exploded at his brother. Dean could see the disappointment in his eyes, and it only spiked his rage.

_“YEAH, WELL HE SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER!”_

There was a crack in voice as it toned down, explaining himself.

_“He should have done better, Sam. Yeah, I’m blaming him. He’s a thousand years old, he’s got knowledge even you cannot have and that’s saying a lot. Yet he let himself being blinded by the love he had for Jack, I — “_

_“Dean, we all had the same amount of love for Jack as he did. You cannot blame it on him and only him. Blaming Cas for every crap thing that happened to us… it’s madness, borderline stupidity. Jack didn’t kill mom on purpose, he literally just wanted her to stop talking for a minute. HE’S A TWO-YEAR-OLD, DEAN! What the hell did you expect?”_

_“I don’t expect you to understand.” _Dean responded to his brother, finally locking eyes with him.

He knew Sam wouldn’t need a whole minute to see the crack inside his eyes, the pain pouring into his soul.

_“Dean… He’s my friend, too. You can’t push him away like this and tell me you don’t expect me to understand. You’re not alone.”_

_“Yet I am.” _Dean hit the words, the thought of what he really felt for Cas deep down lightly coming to his mind. _“Like I said, I don’t expect you to understand.”_

He finished his drink, slammed the glass on the table and left the room, heading for his bedroom. His brother couldn’t possibly understand what it felt like, the pain of watching Castiel, the man — the angel — he’s been having feeling for for over a whole-ass decade walking away from him. Because he’s too stuborn to let things go. Because he helds him accountable for stuff he shouldn’t. He knows he’s wrong somehow, but he can’t get past it.

Right about now, all he wants to do is getting wasted. That way, the pain should go away — at least for a while.

***

Night is filling the room. It’s been weeks now. They’re in a motel in south Texas, hunting what they believe is a shapeshifter — nasty sons of bitches. Sam fell asleep at least an hour ago, but Dean is still wide awake. He hadn’t been able to fall asleep correctly since Castiel walked away on him.

Dean reached his hand out to grab his cellphone, quickly checking his inbox messages and voicemail — nothing. Of course he got used to it over the years, Castiel wasn’t exactly a fan of giving any news. But it was different this time. The thought of Cas never texting or calling him again quickly crossed his mind, but he pushed it away the second it reached him. No, he couldn’t stand the thought. It’s too painful. He’s coming back. He always does. Even if it’s months away from now, Dean is confident he’s going to see him again. He needs to.

What if he doesn’t come back?

***

_“Dean, it’s been a month since we’ve gone home, we’ve been solving back to back cases for ages. We need at least three days of down time, I’m begging you. It’s just a 2 hours drive home.”_

Sam is literally begging his brother at that point. It’s true, they haven’t stopped at all for the past months. Sam’s pretending he doesn’t know why, but truth is he knows damn well that’s Dean’s way of coping with what happened between him and Cas.

They still don’t have any news about the angel, even Sam tried to get a hold of him — at least to know where he’s been — but Cas knew damn well how to cover his tracks and most importantly he knows how Sam and Dean work. Which allows him to stay hidden from them, much to Dean’s distress.

_“Okay, alright. I’m ditching you home, and then I’m off. There’s this case I wanna take care of, it’s in Nevada. You don’t have to come, I —“_

_“Oh HELL NO, you’re not going” _Sam interrupts his brother.

_“What do you mean I’m not going?” _

_“I mean we are both getting some down time at home, for at least 3 days. And I’m not kidding, this is non-negociable.” _

He is deadass serious right now. Dean seems surprise by the amount of discipline his brother has put into his voice.

_“Okay, alright. We’re going home. But I swear to God, we’re going to Nevada next.”_

_“Fine. Now drive. We can get burgers at that joint you like just outside of town before we get home.” _

It takes them 2 hours to get to the dinner, and they’re home with fresh food 20 minutes later. Sam quickly disappear into his room, and Dean’s left alone in the library. Not the best choice of place, let alone in his state of mind, to be left alone in right now.

Last time he was here, well... We all know what happened. Cas walked away. Dammit, it still hurts. Once again, he checks his cellphone. Maybe he should call? Would he even answer him, after everything? Does he still care about him?

There’s a little voice inside his head telling him to stop playing dumb, of course he still cares. But then, another voice in his ears remind him that if he did care he would have called, texted, hell he could have send a goddamn letter for what it’s worth.

Anger comes back at him, and he tosses his cell back into his pocket while bottoming up the rest of his drink. It’s only 9pm, but Sam’s right they are exhausted. A good night sleep has never looked so good right now.

He passes by Cas’ room while slowly walking to his, and stops in front of the closed door. Did he take his stuff away when he left? He pushes the door and let himself in, lightly caressing the thought that maybe he’s been here this whole month while they were away. Much to his dismay, the room was cold and empty. It was obvious he hadn’t been here for a while. Dean turned the light on, his gaze slowely acknowledging the stuff scattered around.

He left it all behind. Somehow, Dean hoped that maybe it was because he planned to come back. The angel wasn’t the materialist type, he didn’t have much or needed much. Everything he had, he kept it for a reason. Dean streched out his hand to get the pictures that were lying on the bedside table, and felt his heart fell down the floor as soon as he layed eyes on it. The first one was the picture they took at Bobby’s decades ago, with Jo and Ellen, Sam, Bobby and the two of them. He gently rubbed his thumb on the corner of the old photo, emotions all over the place. The second one was of him and Cas laughing while having dinner with Sam and Charlie, the latter of who took this photo. As a matter of fact, Dean kept these two same pictures inside his wallet. He never realized that Cas had both of them two.

_“Dammit, Cas”, _he says as he feels his eyes watering, a flow of emotions coming down on him. Raising his head up, Dean realized Cas had left behind the cassette-tape he had made for him a few years back. Unable to contain his tears, they started rolling on his cheeks as he took it behind his hands.

_“Cas, I need you to come back. Please, please come back”_, he started muttering.

This can’t go on like this. It just can’t. He needs him to come back. Unable to control, he wraps his hands around the pillow on his friend’s bed. He’s so tired, on top of everything else. Tired of hiding who he is, tired of having to twist his feeling. He just needs him to come back.

_“Please Cas, please come back to me.”_

Dean lie down to sleep, his last words as a prayer to the angel on his shoulder.

***

When he wakes up, the sun already fills the room up. It take him some time to realize he fall asleep into Cas’ room.

It takes him even more time to catch a glimpse of the ocean-blue eyes gazing at him. He jumps down on his feet, his red shirt wide open on his naked chest.

_“Cas?!”_

_“Hello, Dean.”_

He is sporting his usual outfit. Dean feels like he hasn’t aged in years. Not that it’s a complaint…

_“Did you come back for me?” _he asked, his voice almost trembling

_“I heard you last night. I drove all night to be here as soon as I could. Is there a problem you need my help with?” _the angel answered, a look of legit concern on his face.

Dean smiled at him, relief coursing through his veins. If these last few weeks made him learn something, it’s that he didn’t need to hide who he really is anymore. He needed the angel — his angel — by his side.

He sat down next to Castiel, his hand on his tight and his eyes locking up with Cas’. The angel’s face softened up at this exact moment, and Dean gave up to his feelings. As always, he felt drawned by Cas’ magnetism.

_“Please, don’t leave me ever again” _he said, right before his lips reached the angel’s.

And in this moment, as both of them opened up their hearts to each other for the first time, **_I swear they were infinite_**.

**Author's Note:**

> Yell at me on [Tumblr](http://hittheroadjus.tumblr.com) and get some sweet first look and sneak peeks at chapters before it drops on my [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/HitTheRoadJus) (I occasionally ramble about SPN, music, fictional characters, and soccer, because I'm that kind of lame).


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